Earlier this year, I was streaming the rhythm game HiFi Rush on my Twitch channel when I noticed pins and needles in my fingers. It’s not something that’s practical at the best of times, let alone when one is trying to tap a controller in time in front of a live audience. I thought it odd at the time, but didn’t dwell on it. The game itself was fun, but wasn’t something I totally clicked with. Maybe my audience sensed it too. The numbers were lower than they had been for a while.
But then, a few weeks later I had numbness in my ears. And when I panicked about that, it would spread across my face to my nose, sometimes my mouth. It could be in times of stress, it could be on a dog walk. It could happen anywhere. And each time I’d become increasingly stressed rallying against the lack of control I had over the way my body felt.
Now if you google this type of thing, you’re probably going to diagnose yourself with some kind of rare, incurable condition. So, after stepping away from the google, I had a think. I realised that the numbness had been most present when I was stressed – and yes, while broadcasting oneself playing a cartoon rhythm game doesn’t sound like the stuff of nightmares, I had struggled with thoughts about my Twitch numbers becoming unsalavageable.
But it wasn’t just this. On location in Copenhagen for an event early this year a family member was admitted to hospital for the best part of three months, and another would be in and out. At the end of January I discovered I wouldn’t be part of the ESL Pro Tour this year – and anyone who knows Counter-Strike, knows this means I’m pretty much out of the scene, beyond the ESL Impact events I host. The plans I had to balance work and family life had collapsed and I guess my brain fell into the sinkhole with it.
In esports, if you’re not regularly seen people think you’re not up for hire. If you’re not part of one scene, you lack influence, and if you lack influence, you lose ways to secure income outside of your event work days. For me, trying to navigate across games to wherever I might fill a need was simpler in 2018 when I was starting out. Every new job was an opportunity. Going into a single game focus meant I was busy, but I had time outside of the scene too. In 2023 I find that again I need to be across hundreds of players as well as the games themselves, but I also have to find time for the family that needs me – and that I need.
A doctor told me I had “too much baggage on the cart” after I explained the numbness and my exhausting schedule. If I didn’t stop things would not get better, but they could get worse. I didn’t have a choice. The anxiety was diagnosed and I’m lucky to be with a GP surgery that wants to keep an eye on my progress.
So this Summer I went to weddings. I went away with family and I said no to a few clients I really wanted to work with – one I had a call with and they were, quite frankly, brilliant. Aside from recording the See Through G2 podcast and streaming on Twitch, I declined event work in August. In the meantime, my family situation has miraculously improved.
But I’m still really scared to be honest, because needing to say no last year (I had a newborn baby) was a large part of how I ended up in messy place.
When I went to Cologne to record with G2’s CS team for the podcast and went home before setting foot near the Laxness Arena, I immediately regretted the choice. The distance from something I love so very much has made me nervous to be in its presence, but on arriving in Cologne and seeing people I missed reminded me of a key reason I love being part of esports; the people.
Social media has become increasingly about creating divides and exploiting them as of late and it’s not something that comes naturally to me; it’s why I write blogs, not Twitlongers. I’ve been the focus of controversy creation, but actually my “artist-formerly-known-as-Twitter” feed is, for the most part, pretty pedestrian. (I said most part!) I’ll probably find myself taking more sides in future as I try to work out how to improve my relationship with socials. It’s part of the job, and that’s how I need to view it. I can’t keep suppressing my personality because people don’t like it. That’s no way to live.
It’s September as I write this. I’m prepping for a couple of things, streaming and finding more time with family. Life is not bad at all. I look back on the start of the year and I see someone who had a bit of heartbreak and now I look in the mirror and see someone ready for new opportunities.
I get a lot of questions about whether I still work in Counter-Strike, if I’ll do any events soon etc. If I’m asked to, I’d love to. I’ll be streaming CS2 as I have been recently and I’ll assess opportunities if and when they come.
The main thing is – I’m not going anywhere. I just needed a time out (and childcare) and I’ve taken it. Now I’m ready to work.
Get Frank 
Hi Frankie, a very insightful read. Reading this now, and seeing that this was 2 years ago, I wonder how is it going?
Are you still aiming to get back to hosting or have your goals shifted?
I actually dont think hosting these events is a sustainable carriere goal for most people. It seems too easy to “slide” out of it (to the point that to me it seems unfair) and it seems to me like you’d have to priorize work over everything else, including family. How I would do this with a little kid, I have no idea.
I wish you all the best!!
Thanks for your comment! Have been hosting for over seven years, had a second baby and am currently hosting a season of FNCS (Fortnite). If you want to see what I’ve been up to, do check out the credits page on this website!
I do it with the help of family and I have childcare (part-time for the youngest). They get social and fun experiences from it and I get to retain a part of my identity from before having kids, while also paying the mortgage etc. So it’s obviously a juggle, but it’s working.