Towards the end of last year I mentioned on my Instagram Stories that I was due to start CBT. After an assessment by my local talk therapy service, they suggested counselling instead but gave me the option to choose. I took them up on their suggestion.
It’s been four weeks now. What is discussed and the process is private, but I did want to share something I was thinking about after the conclusion of yesterday’s session: that sometimes we are so convinced we aren’t loved, we miss the signs that show we are.
Someone innocently not replying. An ill-though through comment on social media. There are so many little signs we seek out to prove our anxious hypotheses are legitimate; we’re not mad, we’re just not liked. And social media, that feeling of being outside of the party, feeds anxiety like blood to Audrey II. In person, I have experienced unkind interactions I should have tackled in the moment but instead walked away, from, not placing the importance of my own feelings on the same level as those others, even though confrontation doesn’t have to be confrontational and clarifying tension can reveal the moment was never even intended to be taken as an attack.
So what if, instead of looking for the things that prove that we are hated and don’t belong, we open ourselves to the idea that others care for us, because the signs are there to be found. And you in turn have the power to project that care outwards too.
In this particular climate, where we are physically further apart from one another than we ever thought we could be and our personal worlds are shrinking, it’s never been easier to make someone’s day. It’s as easy as moving things away from social media, where 280 characters feels like an exchange for social currency, and going direct. You don’t need to tell your friends you love them – even messages them a photo or a link or meme works wonders – because it’s the thought that counts.
I know we can’t all afford to send flowers to everyone. But maybe you’re having a clear out and you stumble across something a friend might like. If you can’t send it right now, keep hold of it for them. Share a recipe and compare notes. Meet up online for a multiplayer game. Take turns recommending films to hate watch on the same evening and exchange voice note reviews (as they do on the Kermode and Mayo Film Review podcast with their Lockdown Correspondents).
I have one friend who is so excited about the house I’m renovating into a home with my partner that he bought us a hand wash several months ago and sent me a photo of him removing the wrapping. It’s incredibly kind of him to be so thoughtful, but I’m more touched by the fact he’s so supportive of what we’re doing and he’s keen for the project to move along. He’s top of housewarming invite list (eta 202?). (This same person, who I went to for watch advice last year for also literally made a video of recommendations simply because he appreciated being asked.)
I’ve also had a couple of moments in the past couple of months that also changed my outlook, simply by hearing from third parties about how much a guesture was appreciated. (Oh and a hilarious video of my animal-mad niece cuddling the cuddly bear I was gifted at a Brawl Stars event at the end of last year and thought she might like.)
Personally I’ve spent too long on social media feeling like I’m outside of an exclusive party, forgetting I’m actually part of a different one where people want me to be. Don’t be that past me, wasting time before you discover you’re where you need to be. Reach out to the people who are important to you and make those little moments count.